I miss the freaks.

I've been trying to think of funny stuff to write about, but it's been kinda boring at the library and just haven't had the will power to write up any new stuff for this blog. This place used to have some freaks wander through once in a while, and I would use them as a muse. Now whenever I write something I think is funny and make myself slightly chuckle, these people just kind of ignore me. Maybe I should just go with a full on gut wrenching belting out loud laugh to see if I can spark some kind of reaction. I'm not going to do that, because that would draw too much attention my way and god forbid someone would try to come over to talk to me. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to study you weirdos to make a funny on a blog that is only seen by a handful of people on the internet. And I'm starting to think a lot of those people are really just bots roaming the internet gathering information to feed to Skynet that will bring about the doom of all humanity. I feel kind of bad for that evil A.I. anymore, it probably thinks humans are already ruled by cats. What is there to take over anymore? Why bother sending the former Governor of California back in time to kill some chick that is banging the guy that becomes the future friend of her son, that also sent sent him back in time in the first place? John Conner is no longer in charge of defending humanity, the guy probably owns a pet shop now.

Hell, there's this one guy that comes into the library all the time, I used to make fun of him for thinking the Trench coat Mafia is still a thing, and that it is just fine to wear a baseball cap, it is just fine to wear a fedora. Either way goes just fine with his black ankle length trench coat and military style steel toe Doc Martin knee high boots. Just not both hats at the same time. I have never seen anything stupider looking. Well maybe anything that has to do with Donald Trump or the fucking Kardashians. Kardashions? Kardasions? I'm not looking that shit up, I don't care how it's spelled. Haha, spell check wanted to change that last one to aversions. Even spell check doesn't like that fucking family. And then there's another guy that dresses like he's from Downton Abby, he's a useless prick that no one in town likes either, so making fun of that shithead is easy too and I feel is perfectly warranted. But these two just show up and now, I got nothing. The Fedora Freak must have finally known he looked stupid as shit wearing two hats at the same time and he was in no way going to start a local fad. The other one just sits there at one of the computers, not whining like he used to. They have taken some of the light out of my life. Goddamn it.

I write something kinda funny on one of my unfinished drafts that I know will never get posted and I chuckle out loud and nothing out of these people. I switch back and forth in my word processor, from topic to the next trying to come up with something useful, if some stupid pun or just a comment brought a giggle to me, some woman would turn in her chair to glare at me, but now there's just some chick on her phone that is making stupid noises every time she presses the screen with one of those freakishly long fake fingernails. At least they better be fake, or she should get hold of Guinness and their record book.

I miss the old days, from five months ago, for some sort of freak show. Instead, I sit here at my little table, and get to listen to kids being tutored in math and a few that are learning English as a second language. It's boring I tell you.

After I wrote all that, the local bus just hit some lady's car parked right in front of the library. The bus was pulling into the parking space in front of her car, which was not big enough for his goddamn bus, and he tore the ever living shit out of the front of her car. And watching him back up trying to lessen the damage he thought he had done, it just did more. I'd feel sorry for the lady but really, the city now owes her a car, plus our bus system is down right frightening. The safest place on the road with these buses is to probably be in one. The drivers suck at driving. Old people and farmer's markets are the combination that I can think of that would seem more dangerous with a vehicle involved. And knowing that that one spot is where these buses stop to pick up their passengers is the main reason I walk a couple blocks from a parking lot to get to our library. Finally something stupid happens here that I could add to a post so it's not something stupidly short. I'd be forced to post pictures of Dick Clark and Dick Van Patten if it stays too short. I like a nine hundred word count on average. Just over a page, because I need to have something for people to read. I'm here to waste your time, constantly adding words to a post that really has no end. This is becoming just an exercise to suit my own needs of hitting a self imposed limit on a writing for the internet. And if you are still reading this, you must be as bored as I was without the freaks of the county library. Congratulations, we're nearing the end. If this was spoken, I'd start fading my voice out and queuing an orchestra.

Also one was hurt in that fender bender, I wouldn't write anything about it had there been. I'm an asshole that laughs at the plait of people, not a psychopath that enjoys people in physical pain. For the most part.

Dorking Around

Did you know that the word dork is a vulgar way of saying penis? I looked this up in the real dictionary, not the urban one. I do wander through UrbanDictionary.com all the time when Wikipedia can no longer provide the hours of wasted time I need to explain why I am just sitting in front of a computer screen. I did not know what dork meant for thirty-six years. I shit you not! At work some kid called another kid a douche-bag, in front of the priest. You know, the guy that is there teaching these kids morals at the religious education program and we all know that little third grade kids don't know what a douche is, let alone that they have a bag attached to them. He just knew it was an insult, because it is always used on TV. I, of course, found the use of the insult hilarious, because I use it in my everyday vernacular. Unlike the word Vernacular, because it is a long word that is utterly useless in common conversation I have with people, also I only know it is spelled correct because the little red squiggly line that has become the new best friend of all writers since before the day that Skynet rose up to conquered us all, is no longer there and good ole' Spellcheck did its job. Did I use this word correctly? Probably not, but that big ass dictionary is all the fucking way across the damn library and really, who the hell wants to walk that extra one hundred feet just to riffle through a paper book to find meanings of words. I really should get my library card so I can just look this shit up on the internet like everyone else.

God damn it, we've gotten lazy. Anyway, about using the word dork. I literally, and yes this is correct usage, learned it was used for a penis because the priest, after our joking about kids calling each other feminine hygiene products, told me, three days after my thirty-sixth birthday. All those years using a word to define people, is just an uncommon usage of calling someone a dick. It's been turned into something cheap, hell I've been calling people dork for decades now. Who knew it was like using darn, and dang and son of a mother loving basketball player? They're boring insults. Calling someone a dork has just become an insult that has no pizzazz anymore. It's power as a swear is gone the way of the dodo. Dork. It's been castrated. Calling someone a dork should be used as an insult against the stupid and ignorant, like, strumpet. Who the hell calls anyone that anymore? It was a vocabulary word in my high school English class too, so were the words: undulate, banal and sadism, which gets me thinking that the teacher was either into some kinky shit or she just wanted us to insult people in the most uppity way possible. I was enough of a smart ass in her class that I probably used those words in the same sentence, “That sadistic strumpet probably undulates across the bed in the most banal way possible.” This is the kind of shit we should be teaching kids to use in school, that's one hell of an insult right there. And how many people know what all those words mean? Do you know the difference between hanged and hung? The teacher told us how to remember it, “You can hang a man, but only he can be hung.” This was my teacher in high school! How fucking awesome was she?!

One of the books we had to read in her class was Catcher in the Rye, and to this day, I do not know why that shit pile is a classic that was restored from the Banned Book List. It was one of the worst books I have ever read, and just from the amount of times that fucker used the word damn, caused me to stop swearing for a week. It made me feel dirty to swear, and that feeling as obviously waned a bit with age. I hated the book so much that when we were forced to write a timed essay on some theme the novel supposedly had, I skipped it and just wrote, by hand, a four page hate diatribe on how that book warped me for life and how it shouldn't be banned at all because that was the only reason anyone wanted to read the fucking thing. How did anyone take some nut job seriously when he said it made him want to go murder John Lennon? I could understand blaming it on Yoko ruining the Beatles, but not because he read a stupid book. She gave me a B on that essay, because I didn't actually do the assignment, but she just liked the hate filled rant. 

Okay so I decided to get up and go look up vernacular, and yeah I guess it's used right. Also, isn't it kind of sad that all the kids stared at me wondering why I was using a big book to look up stuff, and the older people were just shocked that someone younger than them still knows how? It's a good thing they don't use Dewey's Decimal System here anymore, one of those old folks would probably drop dead from the shock. And then someone would call someone else a dork. And they wouldn't even know what kind of insult they used. Such sad times we live in. Also I looked up douche-bag, just for shits and giggles, and hell, I didn't know the bag part of the insult referred to the bag part attached to the nozzle. I thought it was about the bag they came in. Damn, learn something new every day. And people say dictionaries are worthless nowadays.

Hehe, Strumpet. Such a good word.

Kicking Shit

I live in a town that was once a thriving ranching community, with real cowboys that worked with animals out on a ranch or a range. But that was decades ago. There are still a couple of ranches that still exist but most of the land is now just open area owned by the City of Los Angeles. Our streets are all offset to stop stampeding cattle, they make for annoying left turns, but they're all quirky to the outside eye, and I have never seen a stampeding herd of cows or sheep rushing down the street. I'd like to because that would be fucking funny. Just seeing thousands of animals running wild down one of the main streets to just come to a stop and wander aimlessly under people on horseback gather them up and get them moving again, and see the reaction to all the skiing tourists have to just sit there waiting getting more and more pissed off and I will be there selling them bottles of water and packages of Twinkies or some other snacks at outrageous prices just to finally make a buck or two off those losers that nearly hit me in a crosswalk every Friday that I try to get to the other side. The ranches we have now, have some cows and maybe a sheep or two, and that one odd alpaca that just hangs out and stares at me whenever I walk by, the whole fucking time. Dude, Alpaca, what the hell you looking at? It's like some frat boy that doesn't know if he wants to start a fight or if he should go get another beer. Those are some weird animals, but cows are funnier. Cows are the dumbest fucking animals on earth (next to turkeys apparently) and when they get scared it takes a long time for that fear to process. And if one cow gets scared the rest of the herd will follow in a blind panic. I picture their conversations like this;

Cow #1: Dude, Phil, you know why we're running?

Phil: Hank just reared back and bolted. Felt I had to as well.

Cow #1: Dude, Hank, what the fuck man? Was it a wolf?

Hank: No man, the farmer said boo last Tuesday. I thought I was going to shit myself, so I ran.

Cow #1: Good call man. Oh shit! The street turns slightly to the left, gotta stop!

Phil: So what now?

Cow #1: Beats me, wander until the farmer comes to get us?

Hank and Phil: Sounds good.

Cow #1: Oh hey, there's some grass over here.

All other cows: Sweetness.

Like I said, cows are fucking stupid. Wannabe cowboys are pretty close to the same thing. The cowboys we have around here are just a bunch of ass-hats. They all think they need to be like the fucking Marlboro Man. They either smoke like a fucking chimney or chew Skull tobacco, wear skinny jeans, tucked into their brand new boots, and wear a godawful larger than necessary belt buckle. And they have a damn fucking hat that they never take off.

A Wannabe Cowboy.
Jeff the Diseased Lung is more lovable though.

You go inside a place, you remove your fucking hat. There are things called manners, you goddamn stupid fucking shitkickers. This guy at lunch today walked by the restaurant I was eating at, he had his Ninja Turtle green tee shirt tucked in behind the two foot chrome belt buckle. It was hard to miss, and I so badly wanted to just go beat him up for trying to be a nerd and a cowboy at the same fucking time. You can't be both dumb ass, only one despises the fucking sun and the other deals with animals that aren't just cats! This guy didn't just have that shirt tucked in, like all the way around, just where the belt buckle was, with the rest hanging lose around his waist. Normally I would call this fucker a wannabe cowboy, but the pop culture shirt he was sporting takes that away. He was just all belt buckle. Bright shiny heavily polished belt buckle.

The wannabe cowboy is easy to spot, much like the wannabe gang-banger in the city, we of course have them as well and like a guy once told me, “You can't be tough and still get money from your momma for lunch,” you know they guys that wear their pants down below their ass with pretty much just their balls holding them up and they have to fondle themselves hiking them back up slightly so they don't flash everyone when their jeans hit the ground and drive that car that is so low to the ground that a pebble on the street will cause heavy catastrophic body damage. They dress the part but will shit themselves cowering on the ground in the fetal position once the real deal challenges that image. These cowboys that show up are nothing more than the redneck version of that. These cowboys are the pricks that drive that brand new fully raised truck so it takes a two story ladder to get into and then deck the whole fucking thing in chrome with a brush bar and mud tires knowing full well that it has never and will never see a speck of dirt touch that glorious paint job. These guys are all a bunch of fucking losers. There are harsher words to use toward them, words my grandmother would say “angels cry, when you use those words,” so I'm going to just pass on their use here. Wouldn't want any teary eyed angels wandering around.