Dorking Around

Did you know that the word dork is a vulgar way of saying penis? I looked this up in the real dictionary, not the urban one. I do wander through UrbanDictionary.com all the time when Wikipedia can no longer provide the hours of wasted time I need to explain why I am just sitting in front of a computer screen. I did not know what dork meant for thirty-six years. I shit you not! At work some kid called another kid a douche-bag, in front of the priest. You know, the guy that is there teaching these kids morals at the religious education program and we all know that little third grade kids don't know what a douche is, let alone that they have a bag attached to them. He just knew it was an insult, because it is always used on TV. I, of course, found the use of the insult hilarious, because I use it in my everyday vernacular. Unlike the word Vernacular, because it is a long word that is utterly useless in common conversation I have with people, also I only know it is spelled correct because the little red squiggly line that has become the new best friend of all writers since before the day that Skynet rose up to conquered us all, is no longer there and good ole' Spellcheck did its job. Did I use this word correctly? Probably not, but that big ass dictionary is all the fucking way across the damn library and really, who the hell wants to walk that extra one hundred feet just to riffle through a paper book to find meanings of words. I really should get my library card so I can just look this shit up on the internet like everyone else.

God damn it, we've gotten lazy. Anyway, about using the word dork. I literally, and yes this is correct usage, learned it was used for a penis because the priest, after our joking about kids calling each other feminine hygiene products, told me, three days after my thirty-sixth birthday. All those years using a word to define people, is just an uncommon usage of calling someone a dick. It's been turned into something cheap, hell I've been calling people dork for decades now. Who knew it was like using darn, and dang and son of a mother loving basketball player? They're boring insults. Calling someone a dork has just become an insult that has no pizzazz anymore. It's power as a swear is gone the way of the dodo. Dork. It's been castrated. Calling someone a dork should be used as an insult against the stupid and ignorant, like, strumpet. Who the hell calls anyone that anymore? It was a vocabulary word in my high school English class too, so were the words: undulate, banal and sadism, which gets me thinking that the teacher was either into some kinky shit or she just wanted us to insult people in the most uppity way possible. I was enough of a smart ass in her class that I probably used those words in the same sentence, “That sadistic strumpet probably undulates across the bed in the most banal way possible.” This is the kind of shit we should be teaching kids to use in school, that's one hell of an insult right there. And how many people know what all those words mean? Do you know the difference between hanged and hung? The teacher told us how to remember it, “You can hang a man, but only he can be hung.” This was my teacher in high school! How fucking awesome was she?!

One of the books we had to read in her class was Catcher in the Rye, and to this day, I do not know why that shit pile is a classic that was restored from the Banned Book List. It was one of the worst books I have ever read, and just from the amount of times that fucker used the word damn, caused me to stop swearing for a week. It made me feel dirty to swear, and that feeling as obviously waned a bit with age. I hated the book so much that when we were forced to write a timed essay on some theme the novel supposedly had, I skipped it and just wrote, by hand, a four page hate diatribe on how that book warped me for life and how it shouldn't be banned at all because that was the only reason anyone wanted to read the fucking thing. How did anyone take some nut job seriously when he said it made him want to go murder John Lennon? I could understand blaming it on Yoko ruining the Beatles, but not because he read a stupid book. She gave me a B on that essay, because I didn't actually do the assignment, but she just liked the hate filled rant. 

Okay so I decided to get up and go look up vernacular, and yeah I guess it's used right. Also, isn't it kind of sad that all the kids stared at me wondering why I was using a big book to look up stuff, and the older people were just shocked that someone younger than them still knows how? It's a good thing they don't use Dewey's Decimal System here anymore, one of those old folks would probably drop dead from the shock. And then someone would call someone else a dork. And they wouldn't even know what kind of insult they used. Such sad times we live in. Also I looked up douche-bag, just for shits and giggles, and hell, I didn't know the bag part of the insult referred to the bag part attached to the nozzle. I thought it was about the bag they came in. Damn, learn something new every day. And people say dictionaries are worthless nowadays.

Hehe, Strumpet. Such a good word.