First Place Tumbleweed

During Labor Day Weekend, the fair comes to town, with the same shitty meth fueled carnies installed rides and crap games that I know I could call Shenanigans on and probably get a stupid cheaply made stuffed animal that those same carnies would try to talk me into spending a hundred dollars on to play some rigged game. Those carny barkers are the most annoying pieces of human shit I've ever seen, first don't call me “Tubby” if you want to run your confidence game on me. What few teeth you have there carny, might not remain in your face much longer should you decide to insult the wrong person. I just walked by, saying hello to the few people I knew that had returned to town just for this silly shindig. And of course, this being a rural county fair, there's the standard judging on various farm products. Couple of pigs, some goats, a few hundred horses, and one not so lonely llama. This llama had an entourage of at least ten sheep, and it towered over those fluffy animals, and was a part of the petting zoo, with some very talented escaping goats. There's the judging on baked goods, my boss entered alongside my sister in a grudge match from the previous year, my sister beat out the priest with her gluten free pie, and I fully believe that reflected in the amount I got for my end of the year bonus and raise. I tried to sabotage her stuff this year but she baked that damn pie while I was at work and I never got the change to add a little bit too much salt by “accident.” My sabotaging attempts being thwarted did not matter as neither of them made it to the final judging. I still might not get a good enough raise again this year, out of spite for that outcome as well.

One of the stranger things that are judged, is the 4H stuff, at least to me, I was never in 4H, and since they are mostly children they have various entrees like, best chicken eggs, some kind of sewing projects, a model made from Lego, and the biggest weed. Look, this town is pretty much in a desert and we have huge tumbleweeds just growing everywhere around the city limits. These things are common as hell here, and at work I'm constantly pulling these things out of the park behind the church. The fair gave out blue and red ribbons for a goddamn tumbleweed because some kid conned their mom or dad into going out into the desert and pulling one out of the ground and then hauled it to the fairgrounds. I do not see the point of this, the other plants that are judged are grown in a garden, and tended to, with pulling weeds and turning soil and trimmings to get the best product they can grow.

That first place ribbon is trying to get away!

That makes sense at a county fair where the town was built on the premise of growing food for people a hundred and fifty years ago. But a fucking tumbleweed? Who the hell is farming just tumbleweeds? Can I do this, can I get money for not growing them like other farmers get for not growing wheat to keep prices down or up? Because I can totally farm tumbleweeds, it's easy, just spray water on the ground and wait two or three days and tada, there's a tumbleweed. Also who is buying these things other than a movie studio that is shooting a western movie? I want to know if there's a huge call for these things, because I don't see how I would need a lot of start up capitol for this kind of venture.

The food vendors sell crappy food that is way too over priced. I used to get a corn dog, or five, from the Lions Club, along with four or five beers, because who the hell needs a paycheck through a holiday weekend? I didn't get one this year, a corndog, I got a paycheck. I found out I'm  highly allergic to mustard. Have you ever had a hot dog without mustard? Ever see a commercial for hot dogs without mustard spread on that thing? No, and the reason is because they are horrible tasting and the mustard is there to cover up that godawful taste. I miss mustard, it's the best of the condiments. But I pass on it, because I like breathing and not being stabbed in the leg with an EpiPen more than covering the taste of a hot dog with that sweet golden yellow sauce. Damn that sounds dirty when I read that back to myself.

The only reason to even go to the fair is to see people that haven't been here since Mule Days or the previous fair the year before. I'm not into rodeos, or country music, or a destruction derby. The prices for those are unbelievably high for those, plus the cost of food and booze, the tickets for the frighteningly poorly put together carnival rides, more booze, and some stupid souvenir. I do like seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, because it's about the only time I have social interaction anymore, that doesn't involve family or coworkers.