The
most noticeable feature about me is my red beard. I haven't shaved in
years, and this was the best thing I have ever done for personal
grooming choices. Shaving is a total pain in the ass, I hated it but
I did look cool with a fu manchu from high school until I was thirty.
I had some nasty acne in high school and left some pretty decent
scars on my face so having the beard is nice because it covers them
up. I show off my other scars because they have a cool story to go
with them, most I was doing something stupid dangerous and came to
near death. I've nearly cut off my thumb with a pressure washer,
because I was stupid. I have a scar that zigzags down my spine
because I slipped in a shower I was demolishing after turning on the
water (which the plumber told me was “totally off, Dude.” Fucking
pothead) and a nice sharp piece of metal sliced through my shirt and
cut the ever living fuck out of the skin of my back, like one hell of
a tribute to Harry Potter, because I was klutzy and is only partially
my fault. I have white dotted scar where a long bit of metal stabbed
me between my thumb and finger and stayed just under the skin halfway
down my forearm, that is not at all my fault but just fucking cool
that it happened. Sure, it was nasty to pull that out of my hand like
a wood sliver, and I should have gone to the hospital for them to do
it, but no infection or lock-jaw happened so I'm good. I developed a
slight tick and swear a lot more than I did then. I don't think there
was a connection.
Contrary
to popular belief, the beard keeps my neck cool Spray it with water,
and BAM! I have my own personal swamp cooler while working. The beard
keeps me warm without a scarf in the winter. Don't need to cover my
pale skin with sun block. Long beards are great! So to all those
commercials about shave clubs, I say “Fuck Off.” These
commercials make no sense to me, when I did shave, I never worried
that I was breaking the bank because I bought a razor. Wow, a dollar
per razor is the new deal? A pack of ten Bic Razors is still like $4.
Even shaving daily, I didn't just burn through one razor, I cleaned
it and used it again the next day. And if that's still too expensive,
go get a straight razor. They still make them, you just have to have
good control so you don't slit your own throat, and maybe learn to
sharpen the fucking thing. And they give the best shave. Do these
clubs charge dues? Or just a flat rate for the fancy little box of
razor blades that are delivered to your door? Does some guy come back
to pick up the used ones, like the old milk delivery guy? I'm not
sure I really want to know.
People
seem to need to inform me that, I do, in fact, have a kick-ass beard.
Like growing the thing is a monstrous feat that I trained daily for.
Yes, person on the street, growing out my facial hair is tiring. You
go to the gym, leg day ain't got shit on my beard growing abilities.
That surgeon that is preparing to crack open a skull to do an
intricate removal of a brain tumor, can't even compare to me saying,
“Nah, not shaving today either.” And to those two Japanese girls
at Disneyland, that I thought were asking me to use their camera to
take their picture in front of the castle, but instead wanted a
picture of me. All because of a big bushy red beard. I say thank you.
This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me, anywhere.
And we all know that a guy with a beard is so much more interesting
to travel thousands of miles and hours in a jet plane than some
person in a fucking Mickey Mouse costume.
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